Born to Lose, or Nurtured to Lose?
Throughout my life, making friends has been the most difficult thing for me to do. I also believe that what happened in my childhood has caused me to develop a series of dark and eccentric fantasies and fetishes including getting aroused by watching animals urinate on plants and grass, watching animals swallow other animals while still alive, and watching people losing a fist fight, particularly if the person winning the fight is muscular and wearing a tanktop and long pants. I even get aroused by seeing other people in tank tops long pants and when I dress similiarly I get aroused as I watch myself flex my muscles and imagine getting into a fist fight and pounding someone's face. I also seem to be a bit more clumsy than the average person and have been known to make repetitive hand movements. I seem to have great difficulty recipricating emotion.
Another one of my pitfalls is the inability to start and maintain a conversation unless it is something I am interested in, but even then, I start to get anxious. I have a deep desire to form friendships and to one day get into a relationship. I am 35 years old and have never even had my first kiss. I constantly feel people are always watching me and talking bad behind my back. I feel that others, especially girls, think I'm a loser and look really ugly (big nose, crooked teeth, and indented jaw).
I contantly feel I'm not good enough for anyone. I seem to have severe inferiority complex as I see myself as a piece of dirt to many people my age and even years younger than I am. I see the success that people in their teens have compared to me, and this makes me feel like I'm better off dead.
I constantly have fantasies of watching myself get into a serious ski, inline skate, or sporting accident. I also have visions of me dying and having no one know it ever happened. I constantly feel that in order for me to belong, I will have to do amazing feats. Growing up, I was constantly teased for being severely under weight, the way I talked, and for constant hand flapping movements and licking the pages of books. For years, I was afraid to ever expose any of my skin because I was very skinny.
My aunt who was my primary caretaker left me at the age of three and supposedly that is when my mom said I suffered some trauma, as I started having temper tantrums, did not eat, developed illnesses of the digestive tract including constant constipation.
My mom and step dad often left me for days or weeks at a time with baby sitters. My parents also were not very good at feeding me, as I was severely malnourished as a child.
I am worried that my frustrations in not being able to make friends and find love in this world will make me act out on my fantasies in public. Everyday I seem to be getting more angry and having angry thoughts along with severe depression and anxiety. I have taken a bunch of online tests and done a lot of research and it seems like I am one messed up person. I am fearful of living the rest of my life alone. Is there hope for someone like me? I feel like I am the true definition of a loser and I'm growing tired of always being alone and feeling rejected.
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