I Just Feel So Depressed
I have been so depressed over the last 7 months. I don't understand how to explain it. I think it's mainly a cultural issue. When I was 7 years old I moved to America from India and I had major culture shock. Also, I was totally bullied and hated by all the kids in my school. I didn't even have one friend, not even partners in partner activities, until I reached the 8th grade. Even then, I just had one friend but was left out most of the other time.
This friend she wasn't a very good influence on my life. I got into lots of bad relationships with bad guys and that just lowered my self worth even more. She was a good friend but basically a very very bad influence but I clung to her then and even now because she was the only person to show me kindness.
Meanwhile at home, my mom is really caring and I guess wanted me to have a good life but she is kinda violent, more so when I was a child, and me being sensitive, I didn't respond well to that. So then, I basically didn't have a very good relationship with my parents because I lied to them all the time and was just looking for a way to escape from them.
Then I graduated from high school and I was doing an undergraduate study in psychology and literature (dual degree). My wanted me to get engaged to this guy she found for me. I was pretty sick with everything and so I just said yes even though i didn't think that guy would have suited me at all but didn't realize it then. Then my mom herself realized he wouldn't work and broke the engagement by kicking him out in a fight.
It made me really upset and I started having panic attacks. At the same time, my mom decided it would be good for me to enter college in India and do medicine.
So now I'm in medical school. The first year was great. I studied really hard and did really well but, I've been on the decline. I feel depressed, I'm not sure if this is the right decision for me. I can't study. Weird stuff goes through my head all the time. I'm depressed. I want to quit. The only thing that keeps me going is thinking about the job security and money. But this is never how I wanted to live. I don't know, I just go back and forth in my head all the time.
By the way, I was diagnosed on 3 separate occasions with bipolar disorder. Once, I spent four days in a psychiatric hospital.
I need help. I want to feel happy with where I am. I don't want to be confused with life. I feel dead inside, passionless but this is not me. I don't know what happened.
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