Am I Really That Messed Up?
I am a 30 yr old female who has been living in the dark side of life for a long time. I have always had dark and negative thoughts for most of my life. I have attempted suicide in my very early teens, and for some reason always seem to think the worst case scenario first. If you were to meet me on the street or at work you would consider me to be outgoing, positive, and rather happy. Ive had my share of bad things in life and try to learn and move past them. Unfortunately, thats not what happens.
At my current age I feel that, whatever issue or issues I have, they are starting to affect my life. I have a really hard time trusting anyone and everyone. I'm either super tired or super hyper. I get angry at the drop of a dime. I don't cry for any reason. It's like I'm numb. The last time I cried I got so angry that I stayed mad for over a week. Even though I have no desire to take my own life I have thought about it strongly more so now than before.
I'll get into an argument and 2 minutes into the fight I have no idea why we were fighting. I have had many people through out my life tell me I am probably bipolar or manic depressive. Some have said I acted OCD. Most say im just crazy.
After 20 years of being called crazy I embraced it and wear the title proudly even though i really am not proud of it. I want so desperately to have help or a better understanding of whats going on with me but I can't afford the help I need.
What should I do? i don't feel that I am as bad as everyone makes me out to be, but what if I am? I'm just so tired of being alone and put down for emotions I can't control.
Please help. I'm so very lost.
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