Weird Feelings Towards Therapist
I don't fall in love with my therapists, I just always want them to adopt me and be the perfect parent. I've been through several and I always see them as perfect and wonderful and like the good dad I never had. I feel very obsessive about them and think about them constantly. I was sexually abused all through childhood and always imagined what it'd be like to have a perfect good father to protect me and take care of me. And now I see it in every therapist I see and just want each one to take me home and let me be their child. I feel so silly about it. Some of my therapists have been younger than me yet I still imagined them as the perfect father who would protect me. And I cannot see a female therapist as I feel so angry with my mother for not protecting me that I refuse to have any female doctors for any medical or mental health reasons. I see women as stupid even though I am female. I try to act normal in front of each different therapist I've had yet secretly I just want to be with that person all the time and become his daughter. I feel so crazy. I've been seeing the same therapist for several years now and he's been a lot of help. I worry you'll say I shouldn't have needed to be in therapy for so long but some of my therapists in the past weren't so good and I ended up more screwed up than before I met them. But this man is good and has helped me. I've told him about my good father fantasy but then I feel so disappointed that he can't/won't do anything to help me feel better about not having that good dad. I want him to fix it all and fix me. I'm over 30, married, several children, career yet I still want my therapist to adopt me and treat me as his child. And it hurts every time I see him and he doesn't. I feel so stupid and crazy. What's wrong with me and how do I fix this? And at the same time some part of me thinks if my therapist really liked me he'd sexually abuse me. But he doesn't do anything in the least bit inappropriate and it makes me sad, while yet the adult part of me knows that can't happen and knows that's a good thing. I feel so crazy for having such screwed up feelings.
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