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Psychotherapy and Mental Health Questions

Rape victim who cuts and engages in BDSM to self-punish asks, 'Why am I like this?'

I was "r", the r word when I was a teenager. I was about 18 and wasn't a virgin but had only been with one guy who broke my virginity and we were still together at the time. The "r" word happened to me when I was working for a manager who was the friend of the family and who got me hired there.

I grew up with very strict parents. When I told my mom I had sex for the first time, she told my dad and he started quoting bible versus to me. My mom knew I had sex from the way I was acting because the guy said he was going to break up with me. Anyway, I didn't have a lot of friends, was shy and reserved, and very green to the real world. My mother kept us inside a lot

After what happened with the "r", I started cutting myself. It's weird because I didn't have anyone saying cut yourself you'll feel better but when I did I felt a whole lot better, I just didn't want to be in that kind of pain anymore. As the years went by I found myself being really promiscuous. I didn't care who I had sex with or why. Sex was something I needed to be punished for because I needed to feel that pain. It was getting out of control.

Then came Hurricane Katrina. I lost everything but my life and my son's life and had to relocate to a place I didn't like. We stayed with an uncle for a little while but moved into another place. This uncle was there to help us and show us the ropes on what needed to be done but when I needed rides he asked for sexual favors. I told him I felt uncomfortable. He finally helped me with getting a job at the company where his wife worked. He was my family's only means of transportation so he volunteered to take me to work. On the way to work he would stop at his house and come on to me and touch me. I told him he was an uncle and I didn't & couldn't look at him like that. He "r" me anyway. After that "r", I started cutting myself like crazy.

Then I was introduced into the world of BDSM. This way I can have pain, be punished for what I deserved and didn't have to do it myself. I meet people randomly from the internet who are also into this lifestyle. I'm am always the submissive. I want to beat up and humiliated since this is all i know with men. I cry about it afterwards but I deserve to be punished for being so stupid. Sex is not love. Sex is a means of hurting a person. Why am I like this? Should I go back to cutting myself so I won't eventually meet up with the person who will go too far and kill me. Could you please give some kind of answer? Do I have some kind of personality disorder? I get scared when I'm around a lot of people or people in general because I know they are going to know something is wrong with me. I've been diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. At one time I was diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder but I don't know which one. All of the records at my psychiatrist were destroyed because of the storm and I can't even find her anyway. Could you please give some kind answer as to what is wrong with me? I don't even like sex anymore yet I use it as a tool to get beat up and humiliated.



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